


Aingeal an eirligh

by I_fell_asleep



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst, Blood and Injury, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Murder, Parabatai Bond, Parabatai more like parabaBye, Short One Shot, Timeline What Timeline, not Jace friendly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-06
Updated: 2020-02-06
Packaged: 2021-02-27 15:34:00
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,009
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22379530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_fell_asleep/pseuds/I_fell_asleep
Summary: Everything felt too restrictive, damp and pulled taut.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 1
Kudos: 40





	Aingeal an eirligh

There was a particular feeling some actions could cause. One where you were present but not all there. You were aware of everything around you, what you did, how it felt - how you were feeling in the now and the aftermath, with your stretched out skin, wide eyes and chilled bones.

Pain usually worked, the shock and rush bringing reality back into focus, but it wasn't working this time.

This pain was too much. Foolishly he'd thought it would be manageable, but so far he'd just been struggling to breathe around it. Pathetic for someone so used to hurt. 

Through the roaring in his ears he could hear a phone buzz. The sound reverberated through his aching skeleton.

(He kept forgetting to change the ringtone despite hating it so much. It was the same one for everybody.)

Underneath his fingertips he could feel cold enamel and knew the sink was covered in bloody smears. 

The toilet wasn't much better. At least he hadn't felt the need to vomit again. Yet. Everything felt too restrictive, damp and pulled taut. The only thing he wanted was the one thing he couldn't have - maybe not ever again.

He'd finally gone against orders for something bigger than what his siblings wanted and it was sickening. But it was better than waiting for something and speaking without being heard. At least, that's what he told himself. The body in the other room, the rest of his people, might disagree.

He tried to get his breathing in order. He could figure something out if he survived. 

The "if" wasn't as scary as it should've been.

He tightened his grip, slowly slid his legs into a different position and braced himself. His hip felt like it was tearing apart, flesh and ligaments all separating under where his parabatai rune once was. 

Alec sucked in a breath. "Fuck."

Actually doing anything was going to kill him. He was sure of it. 

For a moment he thought back, remembering a balcony and an overwhelming need to just _let go_ of everything. He's not afraid of dying. Had he ever been?

IIt's not like he didn't deserve it. He'd just committed one of the worst crimes a shadowhunter could, hurt the people he cared about too many times to be forgivable. 

But he hadn't apologised. And hell if Magnus didn't deserve it. 

* * *

It was sunset when he felt hands on him. They tilted back his head, letting something wet drip down his face. Whether it was drool or blood didn't matter to him anymore. 

Those hands he knew better than his own. Always constant in comparison - never any new nicks or bumps to catalogue. Just perfect. Much like the man they belonged to.

He was so gentle with Alec, whispering and hushing him as he stroked his thumbs along Alec's face; ignoring how utterly disgusting it was.

"Oh you poor thing." He said.

Alec huffed quietly. He couldn't quite form words The most he managed was a weak gurgling noise, but he thinks Magnus understood what he wanted to say to some extent. 

It felt nice, being known by someone that actually wanted to know him. Who cared about him and not just what he could do. 

His eyes burned.

"Isabelle called. She was worried about you. " Magnus told him, and his voice sounded like warmth and home and everything Alec's ever wanted in his life. "And now I am too."

"Y.... Ghh." Alec tried. Magnus hushed him again. 

"It's alright Alexander. Don't hurt yourself anymore. I'm here. I'm here I promise." 

With shaking hands Alec gripped Magnus' coat, trying - no, needing to be closer. He wanted to be completely absorbed. He wanted to be pulled apart tenderly from the inside and held tight enough to suffocate. 

Magnus smelled like sandalwood. Alec thought about tasting him, of choking. 

He'd never deserve this. 

Magnus reached over him and ripped off a length of toilet paper. "Let's get you cleaned up a bit then..." 

Alec grunted wetly. The taste of salt, copper and snot invaded his mouth. How Magnus could look at him and sound so fond was a mystery. Especially after seeing what he did. 

The first touch of paper against his skin made him flinch. Magnus tangled his fingers in his hair to stop him from moving. 

He was shaking just as badly. 

"Please."

He spoke as if Alec being hurt was destroying him. Through the blurriness of his vision he thought he could see tears. 

It wasn't fair.

Alec leaned into the paper,and almost upended himself. Magnus caught him. As he always did. 

Love squeezed at Alec's chest. He opened his mouth, then closed it when more fluid dripped in. Magnus wiped it away carefully. Then kept wiping when it was replaced by more. 

There was too much. Magnus hadn't even noticed his hip bleeding profusely - the consequences of all black clothing. 

Despite everything it wasn't the worst way he could imagine dying. 

Magnus' magic sparked across his skin and soothed what pain it could, but nothing more.

The parabatai rune was a complex thing. Magnus cursed. 

"I can get help." He said. "Just stay with me. Alright? Don't go." 

_Go where?_ Alec wanted to ask. He couldn't move. 

"I love you." 

Alec might have smiled then. He was sure it looked gruesome. His teeth were wet. 

And yet, Magnus kissed his forehead softly. As though he deserved to be loved by someone greater than he'd ever be.

There was a particular feeling another person could cause. One warm as a summer's day. One that felt like you were on the verge of exploding. It was suddenly realising there was light inside you, pain and giddiness and everything. 

And there was a particular feeling, heavy as a stone but ever expanding. 

There was the realisation that someone who'd been in your life so long was now gone. Forever. 

There was the knowledge that you're at fault. 

Alec was so full he felt empty. The tile was the same temperature as his skin. 

The pain was background noise. 


End file.
